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Hubris. Pride before the fall.

That is how we got to where we are. Not how I got to where I am. How I got to where I am was this weird fascination with the idea of entropy. I gave up a couple of years ago and went into auto-mode. day in and day out of the same, my health declined, my mental sharpness declined, my social interactions declined, my good habits declined and bad habits took over. I felt like I had no fight left. I decided to let myself rot. And then November 8th, 2016 happened. And for some reason, something just said enough. I could no longer let myself waste away.

I'm in a hole I dug myself into and I looked up and saw an ashened sky and I know out there, the land is on fire and I need to claw myself out of this pit. Mud, dirt, and blood needs to get under my nails as I try to fight out of it, until the bones of my fingers show through, I NEED to fight. because I have people I love and need to make sure that the world is better when I leave it. And if the world is deciding to shit on that dream, imma clean that shit off and keep on trucking.

I'm sure that this is all over the place. But I need to let this old self of me die. This bizarre fascination with entropy must go. I have to join the fight in making this a better world. I know which side my heart is on. And I'm so sorry it took me this long to figure things out. I'll do my best to make up for it.

Fuckin' A.

I begin now, in earnest, to cultivate my heart and my hopes. This path will have shit thrown on it and people kicking the back of my knees to make me kneel, but I will not stop. I will not make myself kneel anymore either. For my little sister, for my neices, my soon to be nephew, for every single bit of what we have, I will not be apathetic any longer. And if you dare guilt me for doing so, then fuck off. Make Earth great again.

*mic drop*

seven fucking hells

It felt like the discussion was as if we had lost the fight for his soul. But how responsible were we for him when he was very adamant about being responsible for himself? I tried writing a letter but I couldn’t because I couldn’t agree with this shit. I didn’t even want to write it for him but for his mother, his father, his sister, his brother, whom he failed. But everything I wrote seemed to be an empty platitude. The last time we had dinner, I asked him how he thinks he could grasp happiness, what would it take, and he gave me this shrewd look like as if to say “Not you too, just let me be.” well what the fuck man. honestly, what the fucking fuck. everybody seems fucking heartbroken and so many people are talking about a broken justice system but I do see justice being served.

I can’t abide to rally to a cause that i’m vehemently against. and I can’t tell them that because I loved them as much as I loved him, for he was my brother and he fucking failed me too. But this isn’t unconditional love, it has it’s rules and you broke something sacred.
Heal thyself. Heal thyself and you will be able to heal others. The wounds of sadness and depression won't go away if you remain stagnant, no, rather they will fester and become infected. So heal thyself. through a long, arduous discipline of mind and body and soul. Those that would police how you think and who you are have absolutely no clue as to the love which may exude from you so pay them no fucking mind. Do not be shamed just because you aren't where others are in life. The whole point of it is a journey anyhow. the destination shallow, the journey full of depth.

We all strive for an idea of perfection it seems, no matter what race or gender, no matter what creed or class. We may struggle blindly to get there or set our eyes open so that we can see through the distance.

now that you have esoterically rebuffed yourself, let's talk some concrete ideals. You need to learn more about personal finance so that you aren't living paycheck to paycheck. you know you're making enough bank that you could start putting shit into savings easily. Also, stop fucking indulging yourself with food. I get it, shit is delicious but it ain't making you look delicious so...cut that shit out. Ease yourself into a diet if you have to but ya gotta start doing some daily exercise to combat feeling this fatigue and fat. Don't do this for anybody else either, fuck all people. Do this for you, so you can feel better because in all honesty, it's about time to love yourself truly.

Keep a clean house. Let yourself and your pup breathe easier. Set a habit of keeping it all clean, no out of sight, out of mind bullshit , you can do better. Stop being so lazy. Stop being so down on yourself too, You always seem on the brink of devastation. Jairo, love yourself. If you can't find sanctuary in others, find it in you. Make your own cathedral and build it from the foundation up. You are amazing and worth it. The new story of you starts when you want it too so...why not now?











*coughs out speckles of blood*

well that just won't do

Apr. 26th, 2016

"No one is guilty due to who they are related to. Everyone has a choice. You can do good in the world, or your can do evil. Race is not proof someone is good or bad." - Japanese internment camp survivor

The cycle must be broken

I feel like I'm failing myself. I'm perpetuating a form of me that I don't care for or wish to be. and it's all for the sake of convenience. It's not me. And i shouldn't wait for a catalyst to make me break free. I should just fucking break free.

so let's see. Let's see what it takes to sign off from this Jairo and become something else entirely.

What your name means

You entered: Jairo Hernandez

There are 14 letters in your name.
Those 14 letters total to 76
There are 6 vowels and 8 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

SpanishMaleVariant of the Hebrew Jairus 'Jehovah enlightens.'.

Your number is: 4

The characteristics of #4 are: A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.

The expression or destiny for #4:
Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression. Your destiny is to express wonderful organization skills with your ever practical, down-to-earth approach. You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. A patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horiculture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression.

The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt, fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.

If there is too much 4 energies present in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes of the number 4. The obligations that you face may tend to create frustration and feelings of limitation or restriction. You may sometimes find yourself nursing negative attitudes in this regard and these can keep you in a rather low mood. Avoid becoming too rigid, stubborn, dogmatic, and fixed in your opinions. You may have a tendency to develop and hold very strong likes and dislikes, and some of these may border on the classification of prejudice. The negative side of 4 often produces dominant and bossy individuals who use disciplinarian to an excess. These tendencies must be avoided. Finally, like nearly all with 4 Expression, you must keep your eye on the big picture and not get overly wrapped up in detail and routine.

Your Soul Urge number is: 9

A Soul Urge number of 9 means:
With a 9 Soul Urge, you want to give to others, usually in a humanitarian or philanthropic manner. You are highly motivated to give friendship, affection and love. And you are generous in giving of your knowledge and experience. You have very sharing urges, and you are likely to have a great deal to share. Your concern for others makes you a very sympathetic and generous person with a sensitive and compassionate nature.

You are able to view life in very broad and intuitive terms. You often express high ideals and an inspirational approach to life. If you are able to fully realize the potential of your motivation, you will be a very self-sacrificing person who is able to give freely without being concerned about any return or reward.

As with all human beings, you are prone to sometimes express the negative attitudes inherent to your Soul Urges. You may become too sensitive and tend to express emotions strongly at times. There can be significant conflict between higher aims and personal ambitions. You may resent the idea of giving all of the time and, in fact, if there is too much 9 energy in your nature you may reject the idea. You may often be disappointed in the lack of perfection in yourself and others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 4

An Inner Dream number of 4 means:
You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.

it just unbelievably shitty

when those you care about say you don't respect them...when you sacrificed soo fucking much to just be with them.

well.. they're gone now. now there isn't anybody stopping me from getting her but the past. and honestly, that figure isn't even as close to intimidating as we make it to be.
"I had this dream before"

it begins with a night of celestial explosions. everybody is in a building where we can see it. sometimes it's as if there are multiple supernovas happening right above our heads as different bolts of light shoot across the night sky. eveybody is in awe and that awe serves well to hide away any impending sense of doom. I think the only time i was scared was when i first dreamed it.

Then as the dawn comes, the usual supporting cast of people come along. me, my sister, her boyfriend, couple of people from high school, and two people older than us, maybe others. this time i didn't look to see. ah, this time there were three people who turned out to be cops.

After that night, everybody is still in the gym or wherever we are. then it happens. the feeling of something other watching us. i quickly pull up the shades of the window to see a disk shaped object hovering off the ground, watching the gym intently. it jerks a lil when it realizes i see it but gains it's composure quikly. that's when i remember. i've dreamt this all before. this time, i'm not going to die.

i tell everybody to come look, that something is out there, but at first only a few beleive me and see. the rest stay back from the windows, but it becomes evidently hard to do so as more ships seem to come around. then the screams begin. then the panic sets in. then the rush of going back to their homes. not me, not this time.

I grab aimee and tell her to wait for me at the end of the hall, go to a lockeroom and begin grabbing various things. if it's like the dreams beforehand, the buildings on the opposite end of the school are coming to life and killing anything in it's path, so this time, i'm going the other way. before the oil comes.

the oil is the biggest component in this. the first time i dreamt this, i made it into the city, only to become trapped in this oil that seemed to have a semblance of sentience and found myself drowning. second time, i stayed at the school and was cornered in a classroom by it. this time, i was heading out back, to the hills, to find refuge in the high lands.

After the group got totgether, we rush to the back of the school and begin to climb the fence. i hear a splash in the pool. somebody fell in, so we do our best to help him out. the oil is coming, and we see it begin to get in the pool. A man jumps in and sacrifices himself so we can save the other. we climb the fence, and we run. we run for our lives. the oil behind us, the school behind us. we can hear the screams at first. then it all becomes eerily silent. i yell at everybody to not look back, just keep running.

Then i wake up.