you know, i never thought i deserved the best things in life. i was ok with what i got. didn't use to be that way, when i was growing up, i was a spoiled brat. but even then, i did horrible in school cuz i thought it absurd to go along with a group of kids who thought they deserved better than others in the world. one of the many excuses i give for my shittiness in school. i still wonder where i'm supposed to go. what i'm supposed to do. i feel as if doing something in social work will keep me level-headed in a mostly chaotic life. what sucks is that i found this out at 22, when others from grades below me are graduating.
in any case, i was given an identity this christmas. something i feel as if i've been struggling hard to find for a looong loong time. the only people i ever do feel i've got an identity with are those i've known before 2007. before i pressed the self-destruct button, threw caution to the wind and lived a life that was pretty much denying myself of myself. the people i grew to know during that time aren't like those i knew before. the people i knew before, they seemed to have a tender place in my heart(and still do). but now....i dunno if theres room in my heart for people as fucked up as me. i dunno what room there is now.