it seems that the auto-draft had saved that last time i attempted to write in this. how very somber of me. lately, i've been pushing out all thoughts. like if it was all just carte blanche, things could somehow return to order. it's completely obvious to me that this isn't the case. that i have a shitload of things i gotta work out before all things return to order, yet some dark nature in me fights it. it deceives me into thinking the carte blanche is coming.
i told myself things need to change. the dark nature got the best of me there too. i dunno how to describe how utterly frustrated i am with myself. i tell myself not to be, that you got yo shit down, but thats a lie too. i'm letting myself be spirited away by fleeting fancies and i'm losing focus on how to realistically complete my dreams.
i want to move forward from all of this. move forward from being so damn impulsive. but....all the people i love are here too. and i don't wanna head out without them. a group with solidarity, common dreams. but they're here too, festering away and ain't nobody gonna make the first move. maybe they already did move forward and i'm just too damn blind to see. i dunno.
life really is looked through a glass darkly.
i've been teaching myself the piano as of late. loving it so far. i know three beginner songs so far, but i need to give mahself mo time on it. on everything.